75: Bath houses

With the onset of cold weather the one thing I really miss about China is the sauna houses. Here is a little piece I wrote a few years ago after accidentally stumbling into my first bathhouse.

That Terrible Mitt


Among westerners that live in China there seems to be a culture of sadistic pleasure that comes from watching new members peel back the onion layers of discomfort and shock that often comes from being a resident here. Although weird cuisine is often a source for this type of amusement it is not the only one. Like moths to a flame most male foreigners at some time end up at a Chinese bath house. Chinese bath houses range in quality and hygienic standards but they all have one thing in common,large numbers of naked Chinese people. Upon my first week in China I started hearing my more experienced colleagues make references to the bath house as an essential and meaningful gauntlet that I must run in order to truly take my place among them. I did not think more about what I must do and proceeded to forget that the bathhouse was there waiting somewhere in the shadows.



About a month later my wife and I were having dinner when my wife told me that over the past few weeks she had really enjoyed getting massages from a "spa" close to the restaurant, she then asked if I would like to go for one together after dinner. She assured me that there was nothing weird about it so I agreed.



Upon arrival at the massage parlor we asked in sign language for a massage The receptionist agreed and ushered my wife into one room and myself into another. Someone came into the room and told me in sign language to take my clothes off. I stripped down to my underwear and when the attendant returned he laughed and insisted that I take off my briefs as well. Having reached a new layer of cultural discomfort I reluctantly agreed.



I was lead down a long hallway and opened the door. As the door opened allowing the steam and smoke to dissipate I became aware of two things--Firstly, a room of naked Chinese Men were staring at me--Secondly and most importantly I realized that the time had come to face the bath house.



Initially all my fears were confirmed. The room was filthy men were brushing there teeth and spiting on the floor, while another was urinating in the corner. The room consisted of for large tubs--each tub was a different temperature and full of Chinese men smoking cigarettes and drinking their choice of Chinese whiskey or green tea.



By the number of stares I was receiving I gathered that this was not a bath house that many foreigners went to. As I was realizing this I noticed a Chinese man wearing a Speedo and a large bristly mitt had entered the room and was heading in my direction had entered the room and was heading in my direction. Before I realized it, I was getting drenched with ice water and having every inch of my body scrubbed (there is nowhere the mitt will not venture). Once I had been scrubbed for a good forty five minutes I was then forced to put on bright pink silk pajamas and go upstairs for my massage. Jasmine was surprised to see me in my new outfit and was beginning to wonder where I had went by some twist of fate she had been able to skip the bath house and go straight to the massage.